are you there Mordac? it's me steve

Because the purpose of my life is to serve as a warning for others, please note the following:

1. Don't spend the first 3 weeks after your initial "I need software X" request, lackadaisically monitoring the request's progress every 2-3 days. Expect to spend 1-3 hours per day following up on e-mails and on the phone.
2. Don't bother trying to navigate the 'helpful' self-service website, or the dozen+ service request web apps. Go directly to the Help Line. While one-on-one interaction with actual people is scary, at least there will be someone to hear your plaintive cries.
3. If tech-support person #1 helpfully forwards your e-mail to person #2 for clarification, don't assume that person #1 would take note of person #2's out-of-office reply that says they'll be out for the rest of the month.
4. Don't assume #3 wouldn't happen twice. The same day.
   
5. Assume every person 'helping' you is actually actively preventing you from reaching your
   goal through a clever misinformation campaign meant to drive you slowly insane.

As the owner of the action item, it does make me feel slightly better to be an obstruction to the people waiting on me to get this done. Their pitiful cries bring delight to my cruel, cruel heart.

Last week's status meeting:

Person Z asks, "Steve, any progress on ?"

I reply, "I've got it installed on the two wintel servers I had admin rights to. I can't find anyone to give me a straight answer on who owns the other two wintel servers, or the 'right' process for requesting admin access. I've entered a Unix service request on the fifth server, I assume someone may see it eventually."

The assorted people in the room nod sympathetically, apparently my struggles are par for the course.

Project Manager F asks, "Is there anything we can do to help?"

"Pray."


Mordac's latest trick, masquerading as other IT service members:

• As persona #1, point me to intranet URL #1 telling me to use service request system A to apply for admin rights.
• I submit request, push the approval through my management chain.
  
• As persona #2, reject request. "System A is only to request admin access to your desktops. Not servers. You need to follow the set of instructions at this URL."
• URL #2 describes in the vaguest way possible how to gain access to various intranet web applications through service request system B
  
• I reply, "WAH? Person #1 told me this, and its clearly documented at URL #1. If that's wrong, it needs to be updated. I follow your instructions, but I don't see which access group I need to belong to gain access rights, can you clarify?"
• Persona #2 forwards it along to persona #3.
  
• Persona #3 says "You need to follow the instructions at URL #3, and use service request system C."
• System C looks like its asking for the right information. I submit the request.
  
• The request is rejected by Persona #4, "You can't do that for your specific user id. You have to enter your team's group name."
• This is the first I've heard that my team has a group name.
  
• No one on my team is aware we have a group name, or what it may be. Not even those who already have admin on those servers.
  
• No reply from Persona #4 yet.